Wow, so. It's 11:12 PM on a Wednesday, meaning I almost certainly should not be awake, and I haven't written since January. I have a lot of reading and dissecting and analyzing of this last 5 days to do, but first, I'm going to write emotionally, because that is, I think, deserved to most of us after such a week.
I was laying in bed about 20 minutes ago, wrestling with the conversations I've had over the last 18 hours. Who knew that this year I would actually be having a conversation with people about whether Neo-Nazi's should have their beliefs protected by the first amendment and NOT have it be some sort of theoretical political debate among friends. No, in fact, on Saturday Neo-Nazis took to the street of Charlotesville, in a story that has now been well told, and injured dozens. A 32-year-old named Heather is dead, run over in a car style attack that looks eerily like a terrorist attack, but that conservative media is calling a 'car accident.'
Sure, there has been much ado about the 'heroic' GOP saving the day by denouncing racism, but isn't that a pretty low bar?
I was deeply involved in a church I loved when I lived in Albuquerque. The reason I'm not anymore is a story for another blog, but I remain friends with my old church members online, and genuinely enjoy keeping up on their lives in most cases. Tonight, for some reason, I was struck wide eyed in bed, remembering a conversation (can we call Facebook debates conversations?) I had with an old friend and mentor from that church last year, when Trumps 'pussy' comments had just leaked, but the GOP knew they had no other option, politically, to beat Hillary.
I remember distinctly being in tears at my keyboard, that someone who I genuinely thought would have stood up for more fell into the 'locker room talk' line, and didn't allow the buck to stop there, so to speak. I had the same feeling earlier this week when a family member defended Trump in his moral relativity, calling those who protest neo-nazi's and racists essentially just as bad as the *actual* neo-nazi's and racists.
Guys, I am tired this week. I can't believe that an entire YEAR ago I had a conversation that I thought would be the worst one I'd ever have to have about Trump. I was sick to my stomach knowing that such behavior could be tolerated, and defended by men of God, and I cried real tears that people I respected so. much. would be voting for a man who would brazenly brag about his explicit, and probably illegal, interactions with women. I was taken back to dark corners of college parties and dorm rooms and dates, where I suddenly felt unsafe. I was reminded of the jokes that would be made the next day, at my expense. I thought that would be the worst of it, and that come November I wouldn't have to be making these types of completely insane Facebook posts anymore, talking about a presidential candidates sexual assault.
But, here we are. The people who defended him last year have made nice statements on racism and neo-nazi's, but *basically* none of them have rebuked Trump specifically by name, just the 'act of racism' and the disgust with those marching in Charlotesville. But even their small little posts about how upset they are now are making me insane. Does anyone else feel this way?
Does anyone else feel like somehow we had to get to fighting ACTUAL NAZI'S to get any serious anger coming out of the church against Trump? How come none of my friends listened to me last year when we had these hard conversations? Why do they get to be the good guys when its convenient for them? I'm sad. Heartbroken. We have a very, very long fight ahead of us, if speaking out against the most overt white supremacy our country has seen in decades somehow is getting these people a medal.
I'm not done, in fact, just beginning. But tonight, I'm brought back to those conversations a painful year ago, and I can't. believe. we're here.